When You Gaze Long Into The Albatros Cafe ...

How's it going?

This is Agnes.

Yeah, you know what time it is.

It's time to get struck!

This is the Electric Secrets variety podcast.

Oh hey! It’s Marty Merman. Your host at the Albatross Cafe. Welcome Back. We are part of the Electric Secrets variety podcast. And we hope you’re enjoying that. My segment this week is called “Stuff To Do.” Cuz, you know, when you’re a man my age, you got lots of stuff that, especially your doctors is telling you to do so today, I'm here in the cafe and I'm going to take care of one of these things that I was supposed to take care of a long time ago. And uh, the doctor's been on me, my husband on me to do it. So here we go, I'm going to do this thing. Uh, I got this box here in the mail. My uh, my doctor got it for me. Hold on.

Yeah, this box here. It says “Cola Bowl.” Cola, not Cola like the drink. C-O-L-O. “Colo Bowl.”

So I'm going to open it up to Colo Bowl here. My doctor to sent me. And opening up the box. It says, “Let's get started.” Colo Bowl. Quick guide.

Here we go.

“Set up your collection kit,” it says here.

Crap.

I don't have my reading glasses on.

Okay, here we go.

I'm going to put this right up next to my face so I can...

Okay, got all the kit components. 

All right, it says it's on the other page.

You got the patient guide.

You got the liquid preservative.

You got the collection container.

You got the bracket.

You got the tube and probe.

A probe and tube in one.

Ah, interesting.

Okay.

Ah, number one.

Wait to collect your sample until you have...

No, what the hell?

No...

There.

Ah, this is disgusting.

Okay, empty your bladder before you place the bracket under the seat on the...

What the hell?

Unscrew the collection container lid by pushing it down and turning.

Once...

Sit.

Sit on the...

Put just the stool in the...

Get...

I got a crap in a bowl and nail it.

This is called Scatological Humor.

Goodnaben, please to meet you My name is Helmut Bergamister. I am Marty's cousin from Germany. I am delighted to be the sponsor for this episode of the Albatross Cafe. Please check out my movie. Which is now available on Blu-ray and DVD. And BitTorrent.

It is called “The Cruelest Cookie: A documentary.” Which the Schleboygen times hailed as a powerful and chilling indictment of western culture on tasty treats which are high in sugar. Here is a sample of the movie.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote,

When you gaze long into the face of a girl scout, the girl scout gazes also into you. And that is when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the sides. And the other two girl scouts you didn't even know was there. Here in the quiet town of Schleboygen, New Jersey, the annual Girl Scout cookie drive has begun. Most people are told that cookie sales go towards the funding of troop activities and travel. But many law enforcement agencies, including the FBI and Interpol, are not convinced, given the escalation of territorial conflicts between Girl Scout troops.

This is a scene with which we are very familiar. The young girl scout gives her cookie order form to her mother, who takes it to her place of employment and takes it to a bulletin board for her coworkers to place orders. To the untrained eye, this may appear as a sort of laziness on the part of the Girl Scout, but this is merely a front for the true operation of cookie sales, which involves various forms of intimidation, sabotage, and reprisal. Here on this backward road, we find this 12-year-old scout, whom we will refer to as “Medicine.” She is known by the street parlance of the troops as a mid-level enforcer.

Today, she approaches the bunker-like home of a local militant who designs and sells pipe bombs on the dark web.

The hell you doing out here, little girl?

Medicine is tasked by the troop leader with increasing sales of thin mints, normally a poor-selling cookie.

Notice medicine's aggressive sales pitch. She is completely unfazed by the man's initial reaction to her, and his reputation as a phonetical piece of white bread.

That's right. That's right. Other ****.

I'll say it. I'll say it.

Sound off that you love Gloria Steinem. 

I love Gloria Steinem.

I don't hear you taking charge, boys. I love Gloria Steinem.

I'm taking your buffalo horns.

I did my business in a bowl, and I mailed it, and we will never speak of this again.

Welcome back to the Albatross Cafe, part of the Electric Secrets variety podcast, and I am Marty Merman. And I’m your host. And I am humiliated, but there you go.

It is now time for my mother's segment, this episode. She is doing what we're going to call “Esther's Excursions.” She's going to go out into the Schleboygan area and have an adventure. Hey, sounds like fun, huh? Not as fun as figuring out how many stamps you need to mail your boom-booms. But what are you going to do? Take it away, Ma.

Hello again, everybody. It's Esther Mermen.

I am here on the streets of Schleboygan, New Jersey, and I am on my way to see the new mural. We have a giant mural being painted on a big wall in the Schleboygan city center. It's going to depict people and events from the history of Schleboygan. It's to commemorate something that's coming up. I think America has a big birthday coming up. So it's called the Spirit of Schleboygan. And I understand, I've been told, that the artist is just about to finish up the painting. So I want to get a look at this mural and talk to the guy that painted it. So here we are. 

Oh, my goodness. Oh, would you look at that? Oh, it is huge. It is colorful. There are people in it. There are people. I can walk right up to this person who is part of the mural. He's a painted mailman. He is so lifelike. He's got the hat and the trousers. He's not in shorts, which disappoints me a little bit, but he does have a bulge. A nice little bulge right where it should be. Oh, there are ladies in the hoop sirts and the trolley car. And it looks like nothing like the pictures I have seen. This is not accurate to my mind. He's the artist. Hello, sir. Lovely work on the mural. What's your name?

My name is Trey.

Nice to meet you, Trey. I'm Esther.

Yeah. Can you tell me about the choices you made for this mural here?

Well, the city council of Shleboigen wanted me to illustrate the rich tapestry of history. That the people of Shleboigen, New Jersey, share. So that's what I did.

Okay. Yeah, I have a few questions. The shocks of wheat. You got some circles up there at the top. One is industry, which is appropriate. There's not enough smog in the background there. Not enough smoke, but they will overlook that. The shock of wheat. Can you tell me about that?

Yeah, the shock of wheat represents the agricultural history of Shleboigen. Yeah, we never have nothing grows here. Nothing. There is no growth in this area. It is a swamp, a deep dock, a dismal swamp, upon which this town was built. We got it from the indigenous people that lived here for a thousand years. We gave them, I believe the record says a chicken and drape. And according to the history, they were ecstatic. But yeah, no wheat. No wheat has ever been farmed in or outside of Shleboigen. That I would say your mural is inaccurate. If we take into consideration the lack of smoke in the industrial circle, which has a smokestack, it has a smokestack, very well done, very realistic looking smokestack. But not enough of the carcinogenic clouds that are always present above our fair city. 

Well, that is what the city council wanted. 

Yeah, city councils, they enjoy optics. They enjoy a good facade. City council, especially our city council, I'll have to go on an excursion to the city council. That'll be fun. But Trey, this woman in the window here up on this building, is she a whore?

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, is she a sex worker?

No, that is a representation of Gertrude Penman Ross, who was the chairperson of the local chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Oh, I see, I see. Oh, wonderful. Gertrude Penman Ross, huh?

That's right.

A very famous person, Ajija. From Schleboigen, we know all about her. And that's her in the window, you're saying?

That's right.

Gertrude Penman Ross.

Yes.

Of Schleboigen.

Correct.

Did she chair the meetings out of the opium den in her basement? Or did she do it after she was stooping Al Capone in the mayor's office? What is this crap?

Hey, lady, they gave me a job, I did the job, all right?

Well, I'm going to tell you what, this is a travesty. This is a travesty of a representation of our town. I mean, there are good things about Schleboigen, but I mean, look at the mailman. Look at his face, he's embarrassed. He is the most accurate part of this mural. And there's nothing else he's standing here amidst lies, lies and… Fabrications? Of scope and scale, hear the two unheard of into history of local art.

I have to paint you.

Two hundred bucks and you gotta make me look like Margo Robey.

Done.

We interrupt this interruption for a very important announcement. Stuff you enjoy is available for purchase. If in the past you have clicked on something, typed something into a search engine, or briefly stopped scrolling at the side of something, that something is now ready for you to transfer funds in exchange for its delivery right to your doorstep. Don't wait! 

We interrupt this announcement for an important update on the world-altering humanitarian crisis in the Ucrac. 

We interrupt this update for an important proclamation. It is always more important to be heard than to listen. Listening involves the possibility that your point of view might be challenged, or worse, changed. For God's sake, don't be fooled by others' right to voice their point of view. Listen to your ego and interrupt them before any well thought-out ideas can crack your empty vessel. Coming up next, it's the fundamentalist family values hour, with the reverend, but not an actual reverend, GIL gatekeeper. And you better not interrupt.

Hey! Welcome back everybody! Marty Mariamen here, host of the Albatross Cafe part of the Electric Secrets variety podcast, and that's our final segment of this episode. Everybody's favorite Agnes in this particular bit, Agnes is gonna take you through a yoga routine. 

Your reaction is correct. You're gonna learn the basics of yoga, and I hope you have fun. I will not be joining you. I have been humiliated enough today, so take it away Agnes.

Cheerio, this is Agnes. And this is my practical yoga routine, which I did not take from a blog post. 

I am here in my yoga studio, which is located in my home next to the radiator. It is very hot. We are sweating, so it is very important. If you are gonna do yoga, that you are dressed comfortably.

This gentleman here, sitting across from me in the three-piece suit, you are about to enter a world of s***.

Yoga is an ancient practice that promotes the connection between mind, body, and breath. In today's fast-paced world, yoga provides a peaceful way to slow down, relieve stress, and create a balanced state of mind. This lesson is designed for beginners, focusing on gentle stretches and foundational poses to help you build strength, flexibility, and mindfulness. 

Mindfulness. 

We are gonna start with breathing. In yoga, breathing is called pranayama, which is the process of controlling the breath. In yoga, the breath is the bridge between the body and the mind. Deep controlled breathing helps calm the nervous system and brings focus to the present moment.

Sit comfortably on the floor with your legs criss-cross applesauce. Place your hands on your knees with palms facing up. Close your eyes and start by taking a deep inhale through the nose. Through your lungs completely. Exhale slowly through your nose. Make sure to empty the lungs completely. Continue this pattern of breathing for five to ten breaths.

Ma'am, you're not doing it right, I can't hear you.

Focus on the sensation of the breath as it enters an exit to your body. Doesn't that feel good? The next part of the yoga lesson involves gentle stretching to prepare the body for deeper poses. The first pose we're gonna do is the cat-cow pose, or as we say in yoga, the mahjaya-sanabita-sanah. Start on your hands and knees like a cat or a cow in a tabletop position, but not a table which is made of a cat or a cow. Put your wrists directly under the shoulders and knees under your hips like so.

As you inhale, drop your belly toward the mat, lift your chest, and arch your back. As you exhale, round your back. Tuck your chin towards your chest and pull your belly button towards your spine. Now you're a cat. Meow like a cat. Now release.

Okay, now we're gonna do downward-facing dog. Get into the tabletop position and figure out whether you're a cow or a cat at this point. Now, lift your hips toward the ceiling, forming an inverted V shape. Press your palms into the mat and push your heels toward the floor. Keep your head between your arms and kiss your ass goodbye.

Now that we've warmed up, we're gonna move into the standing poses. These will build your strength and your stability. The first of our standing poses is Waria I, or Vera Badrasana I. So, get into a standing position with your feet wide apart.

Ma'am, ma'am, get up. Get up.

I don't know if she's breathing. Turn your right foot out 90 degrees. Then bend your right knee and make sure your knee is aligned over your ankle. This is very important. Keep your left leg straight and extend your arms overhead. Palms facing each other. Look up toward your hands. Look at those hands and hold it. Hold it for five to ten breaths. Here we go. Now repeat on the other side. 

Now, we're gonna move into the tree pose. Vragasana! Stand tall and shift your weight to your left foot. Place us all of your right foot. Vragasana! Stand tall and shift your weight to your left foot.

Place us all of your right foot on the inner left thigh or your calf. But not on the knee. If you put your foot on your knee, you will be very sorry. Yeah, how ya like that tough guy. Yeah, I told you. I told you not to do it. What'd you do? What'd you do? You put your foot on your knee, didn't you? Yeah, dizzy motherf***er you.

Now, bring your palms together in front of your chest or extend them overhead. Hold this position. Until next time, when we will continue the routine, this is Agnes. Bye!

Oh my goodness, I'm never gonna live this one down, am I? Yeah, Marty, might have been here, your host for the Albatross Cafe. Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to check out the other segments in the Electric Secrets variety podcast. We hope you'll subscribe and put in a good review or two. Lots of fun stuff coming down the pike. 

Oh, and thank you so much to my cousin from Germany, Helmut Bergemäist, for sponsoring this episode. His documentary film, The Cruelest Cookie, is now available on Blu-ray and DVD, and the movie is no joke. If you're in Schleboigen during the Girl Scout cookie drive, you gotta give him a wide berth. Or you might lose your kneecaps. Don't look them directly into face. Thank you so much again for Ma, for Agnes. I'm Marty. We'll see you next time.

Cheers.

This has been a presentation of Monster Vox Productions. All persons in this podcast are fictional, and you're resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended by the creator. Monster Vox Productions, LLC.