Back In Business

This is Esther, Marty's mother, and it's time to Get Struck. It's the Electric Secrets variety podcast, but you can tell everybody, “Welcome to The Albatross Cafe,” recorded in front of a giant picture window with lovely Art Deco graphics and dead bugs between the panes. So, if you’re hankering for a blueberry scone, don't look in the window. And now, here's Marty!

Yeah, God, thank you, Ma. Ah, hello, everybody. Marty Merman here at The Albatross Cafe. Part of the Electric Secrets variety podcast from Monstervox Productions. You're going to hear a lot of this in this segment, it's called branding, they tell me.

Branding Ding. So like if KitKat wanted to sell you a candy bar, it would, you know, hey, KitKat, hey, KitKat, hey, it's KitKat. What are you doing? You want a KitKat? Ah, and eventually maybe you buy a KitKat, which I'm probably going to do now.

Ah, rough morning for me. I got up this morning. I managed to extract myself from my bed and I listened to the crackling of my joints as I put on multiple layers and ventured out into the snow. 

Ah, and three hours later, here I am. Here at The Albatross Cafe, I have my bagel. I have my bagel here and it's going to be delicious. It's a sesame seed bagel. And you know, when you get, I don't like cream cheese on my bagel. I use butter. Judge me if you wish. But I use butter and the pads are always like little golden bricks. But what I found is a nice, hot bagel. You put the butter pads between the bagel slices and it melts fairly quickly. And you can spread the butter. But then you can't really enjoy the bagel yet because it's still scalding hot. And if you bite into it, you'll look like Heath Ledger's Joker. So whilst my bagel cools, I'm going to do a bit of surfing of the internet. I didn't do any surfing in the first episode. So I'll do a little bit of that. And then we're going to move into some people watching my people watching segment. So I guess today, let's see, I'll get on the surf and thing, what they call the, what they call that thing. The browser is.

I have an interest in horse racing. So I'm going to, I'm going to Google horse racing, horse racing near me. Lots of this in Jersey. So I don't imagine we'll have any problems. Harness racing. Here we go. I enjoy that. I don't know why these guys would put themselves behind the horse's ass. So close. They're on wheels behind the horse's ass. Only bad things can happen, but these guys, they do, they do it every day. And we bet on them. And I think we should appreciate their sacrifice. So if you are a jockey doing harness racing, God bless. Wonderful work you're doing. Thank you for your service. Oh, got a nice, nice amenities here at this track. Simple betting and … oh, oh, oh, oh, oh … people-watching time.

Okay. There's this guy. I don't know his name, but he's across the street right now. He's in a Northface coat with a hat. He's got a woven, what do you call those things? It's a stocking cap, but it's not, it doesn't have the ball on it, but it sticks up from his head. He looks like an eggplant. His head looks like a big eggplant and he's got this little dog, this little pomeranian dog that he's walking and it's, it's, it's bitter of cold out there and the dog is, the dog is having the time of its life, but he is the thing with the dog.

The street I am on where The Albatross Cafe is located here in Schleborgen, the street, the main drag is lined with parking meters that the city has not pulled up yet. Nobody uses them anymore. And right now I have a clear view of all these parking meters. 

And what this little dog likes to do is he likes to piddle on the parking meters, but he has to think he does it. Uh, successively, you might say he likes to see how many parking meters he can piddle on in one piddle. So I'm watching the dog right now and he's looking at the parking meters. Oh my God. I think he's going to try it. He tries it every time I see him. He tries. He sees how far he can get. I don't know how he controls his piddles, but he does in these, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, he's going, two squats. There he goes. And three squats. And he's going, oh, what, what did you do? The dog was going, he was going to do another one. What do you do? The guy just stopped the dog by pulling the little leash on his neck. What are you doing? Oh, if I'd had a bet on that dog, I would be out having words with this gentleman. I don't like it when they pull on the leash like that. The dog looks okay. He's all right. He's fine. 

But you know, hey, dogs can be ambitious too. You know, he was, you know, he was trying to break his record. And his record is six. He was really sponged out by the fourth one, but he made it. He made it. He was, he was very, what do you call it? I don't think there's a word for it. Is there a word for your ability to hold your, your piddle, uh, sphincterizing or something? I don't know. Uh, but hey, that's People Watching for this episode.

Hey, we had a good time, and coming up next we got the ma. 

It can happen to any of us. You're driving along the highway. Traffic is light and you settle in for your commute. Then your favorite classic rock anthem comes on the radio. You smile, crank the volume, and just as the sweet riff kicks in hard. 

Oh, what the? 

Every year over 40 million Americans are rock-blocked by severe weather alerts. 

That was paradise city, man. These incidents are rarely reported due to the victims' resulting apoplexy. 

Why would you do that? 

You can't get it right before a slash comes in. 

Rock blocking can also cause acute clenching of every sphincter in the human body, which can lead to heart attack, stroke, or spilled macchiato. 

Ah, son of a. 

The time has come to take a stand and fight back against these wanton acts of earth's atmosphere. 

Frickin tornadoes can suck it. 

If you or someone you love has suffered physical injury or mental anguish from being rock-blocked by the National Weather Service, you may be entitled to compensation. Don't wait. Call 555 …

Okay. Welcome back again. I'm Marty Marman, your host at The Albatross Cafe party, Electric Secrets variety podcast. And now we have Ma’s, new segment where she reviews online influencers. Social media influences. So we switch it up a little bit. So the influences are always reviewing stuff. So Ma’s is going to review the influences and she's calling this segment. She's calling the segment “Influencer. Influencer.” That's what she's calling the “influence-AH”

influencer. Take it away, ma.

Thank you, weepy. Hello again, everybody. This is Esther Merman. Today in this episode, we are going to look at social media influences for women's clothing. Hey, something I know a lot about specifically, we're going to look at bras. Influencers who review bras. Now you may not think that the bra is a very interesting thing to analyze. Marty, be quiet.

But I'm not so much analyzing the bra itself, but the person, the influencer who is reviewing the bra. So they're very beautiful, these girls. They review these bras and they talk about the bras and they stand in their bedrooms with their phones, their phone cameras on them as they, you know, undulate and they watch their backs in ways that might make you a little ahhhhhh …

Okay, we're back.

Excuse me. Bras, we're talking about bras, bra. As the kids say, now what I don't understand is how all of these influences, every single one of them, don't like the underwire.

I love, I love, underwire bras. And I know it's, I know it's painful. I know there's digging in and the unmistakable presence of steel in those tender areas. But you know, we all need that support and we need to know, we need to be aware unequivocally that the support is there. It might be pinchy. It might be stabby, but the support is there and you know it is. So if you're reaching for something or if you're turning and you get a little stab, I don't know. I just think you should be grateful. 

Marty is motioning for me to move forward in a very agitated manner. I don't know why. So I will move on to my top five bra influences. Okay.

Number five, the brunette with the accent. She's in a bedroom. 

The blonde with the bob, she has a lovely neck. She's the one with the fishbowl that doesn't have any fish in it. 

Number three, the middle-aged woman with the birthmark on a cleavage. 

Number two, those Asian broads. 

And my number one bra influencer is the middle-aged lady who always does the deodorant test. It's very important that you know how quickly your bra absorbs the deodorant. It helps you make a schedule. Okay. 

So what we're going to do now is something fun. We're going to do a little man on the street stuff, a woman on the street, I guess, since we're talking about bras. It is the 21st century though. So you never know what you're going to get, but hey, life is like a box of genders. 

You are in dangerous waters, Ma. 

Okay, Marty. Evasive action to starboard, please. 

Okay, here we go. Me talking to people on the street about what kind of bras they like.

Okay, here we are on the streets of Schleboygan, New Jersey. And I see, oh, I see a young lady right here. And what's your name, my dear?

Agnes.

Ah, are you sure?

Rihanna.

Great.

Ah, what is your favorite brand of Victoria's Secret Bra?

How nice. Let's talk to somebody else. I'm going to go across the street. Here I go across the street. And I see another woman here. Hello, madam. What is your name?

I'm not Agnes.

Outstanding.

What is your favorite brand of bra?

Calvin Klein offers minimalist, comfortable, and modern designs and is a favorite for both

everyday wear and high fashion outfits. 

That's the brand I wear. I love Calvin Klein. Thank you so much. Thank you. Let's find another one here.

Don't come over yet.

Hello young lady. I'm going to assume you don't have a name. What is your favorite bra? 

Savage X-Penty. Is that how you say it?

Yes, very good. I've never heard of that.

Founded by Rihanna, Savage X-Penty has gained attention. For its diverse range of sizes, body positivity, and bold, trendy designs. 

How interesting. And you now have a promotion where with every fifth bra you get an umbrella. Ella. Ella. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Oh, very nice. Very nice. Always can do with a dated joke. Very nice. Did Marty write that one?

Okay, that's it.

Where do we, we're done. Okay, and that's my segment.

Tonight on the season premiere of Food Truck Vice. 

Hey gentlemen, what can I get for you? 

Yeah, Jamie Collins. 

Pretty badge. Detective Strebech. What's this about? 

This is Sergeant Rubinsky. Why don't you step away from the deep fryer so we can talk? 

All right. 

Watch the door. 

Hey, Scum bag. 

Get off me man. 

Yeah, we got a hot tip that you've been running stolen jackfruit out of this truck. 

You ain't got a warrant flat foot. 

Show him Rubinsky. 

Yeah, all nice and legal. 

Don't matter. Search it. You won't find nothing. 

Yeah, your old cellmate Salazar told us you've been fencing it through a guy in Bangladesh and putting it in your fish tacos. 

Hey, I'm just trying to feed my kids, man. 

Oh, your kids. Like Jeffrey and Skyler over there in the cupcake truck. You know, they're not happy with their share of the take and turn states just to get you off the block. 

You filthy rats. I'll cut you. I'll cut the cuffs on him, Sarge. 

Hey, Drew Solantro in my face.

 Freeze foodie. Get your hand out of your pocket. 

You ruined my smock, you crazy cop. 

Put down the cell phone collins. 

You don't want to go like this. 

Don't I? You blue bloods don't know nothing. Maybe I do got jackfruit in my fish tacos. And maybe I gouged the customers by 30% and split the profits with the cupcake rats. Maybe I got a little C4 in the tofu. 

Ribbonski, get down. Ribbonski. 

Food truck, vice.

Oh, we're back.

Hey, it's Marty Merman here at The Albatross Cafe. And it is time for Agnes. It's Agnes time. This segment is a new segment that's called “Agnes Goes Shopping.” So we'll follow along with Agnes as she goes to the grocery store today. The segment is all queued up and ready to go. So here we go. 

Guten tag. I am here at the local grocery store, which whose name I cannot say because of legal reasons, probably because of salmonella. But I'm here. And the first thing I do whenever I'm here is I get my medication. So I'm headed to the pharmacy right now. The pharmacy is right in front of me and I'm going to stand in line here with the other people and wait to get my medications. So I'm here at the pharmacy line in the grocery store waiting. 

The line is not moving. 

I'm still waiting here online so I can pick up my medications. 

The line is not moving. 

This happens often. 

Sometimes when the line is really long, I like to look around and notice things. 

I have noticed that on the floor, they still have the decal stickers left over from the lockdown that say you should stand six feet apart from the other people. 

You'd think somebody would have scratched those up by now.

They're making me anxious. 

The line is not moving. 

Also, sometimes if the line is not moving, what I like to do is make some observations of the people around me. 

The woman in front of me is wearing tights, which she probably shouldn't be wearing. 

They are SpongeBob tights and she is obviously in her late 40s and possibly early 50s.

Ma'am, lady, did your grandchild get those tights for you for your birthday, for your 54th birthday? I'm guessing 54. Is it 54? She's acting like she doesn't hear me. 

The line is not moving.

I am noticing now that the man who is in front of the woman who is in front of me has a cyst on the back of his neck, a very noticeable cyst. And here comes the manager. 

This happens often.

 Here we go. I'm moving through the line to the front of the line because everyone's so nice. The manager's so nice.

Thank you, Mr. Manager, sir. If I may offer a suggestion, perhaps a faux hawk is not the proper style for you, sir. I mean, a 62-year-old man with a faux hawk, what are you trying to prove? Okay, here I am at the window. Hello. 

Yes, can I have your birthday, please? 

My birthday? 

Yes, please. It's the year of our Lord 1900 and none of your business. 

Okay, we have 38 prescriptions for you today. Do you have any questions on any of them? 

Sometimes at night, I see little green men squatting by my credenza. Is that normal?

How long are they staying? It depends what show is on. 

Have you tried turning the TV off? Yes, but they start talking to me.

Oh, really? What are they talking about?

They speak in tongues.

Mostly Latin?

Yes.

Oh, you're fine.

Okay, we're running out of time. We're going to have to cut that one short and come back to Agnes for part two of “Agnes Goes Shopping” whenever that happens. 

Thank you so much for listening to The Albatross Cafe again. I am Marty Murrayman. Please subscribe to the podcast and check out the other segments about acting and Shakespeare and all that stuff. Ah, yeah. We'll see you soon. Cheers.

This has been a presentation of MonsterVox Productions. All persons in this podcast are fiction. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended by the creator.

Monster Vox Productions. LLC.